Angry Rants

Angry Rant: You’re all wrong about Nintendo’s E3 digital event.

What the hell was with everyone freaking out over Nintendo’s E3 Digital Event? I know it’s been a week and everyone’s pretty much forgotten about it, but it really bothered me how the interent collectively agreed that Nintendo “lost” E3.

Which I don’t understand at all. Frankly, I think if anyone “won” E3 it was definitely Nintendo. They won it last year and they won it again and you want to know why? Because rather than have some boring press conference where businessmen in suits tell you why you should be so excited for their games (and frankly, since Alien: Colonial Marines “vertical slice,” “gameplay” footage I don’t get excited for any “gameplay” footage videos anymore), Nintendo not only showed trailers for their newest lineup of games, but backed it up with an entire week of livestreaming ACTUAL gameplay.

Remember that? A time before publishers showed you heavily scripted, possibly fake “gameplay” footage? Because Nintendo sure does.

And I’m sorry Nintendo didn’t pander to you incessant, whining fans and give you a remake of Final Fantasy 7 (no release date), another gameplay trailer for Kingdom Hearts (announced like 3 years ago and apparently now in development), Dreams? I mean, what the hell was that? A basic animation tool? That’s not a game. I mean I get that it’s the Little Big Planet guys, but at least Little Big Planet was a game. Sure the focus was more on building levels than playing them, but there was a game in there. So why the fuck are you getting so excited for games we probably won’t see for another 2-3 years?

And I’m sorry Nintendo didn’t give you crybabies the Metroid you wanted, but you know what? They don’t fucking have to! And I say that as possibly one of the biggest Nintendo, and Metroid fanboys around. Metroid is my favorite game series of all time, and the Prime trilogy hold the highest honors for me, and yes, I’ll admit I had that sort of high then low of seeing the Prime logo but then no Samus, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought “You know what? Why not?” Based on all the livestream gameplay I saw, it looked pretty fun and interesting. As a little spinoff for the 3DS (akin to Metroid Prime: Hunters) there’s no reason it couldn’t work.

And why not explore different avenues with Metroid? Why not play as a different Hunter, or Federation Soldiers, exploring different play styles and objectives? Just because you flip-flopping fanboys (and girls) can’t decide if you want Nintendo to change, or keep making the same games from 25 years ago. Honestly, this reminds me of that whole “Mass Effect 3 Ending” where fanboys(and girls) cried so hard that Bioware had to change the ending. WELL DID YOU EVER THINK THAT THAT WAS THEIR STORY AND THEY WANTED TO END IT THE WAY THEY WANTED. NOT THE WAY YOU WANTED JUST TO APPEASE YOUR SORRY ASSES?

I mean, Nintendo as a single entity released 13 games. 13! It’s not like Sony that’s also got Bethesda, EA, Ubisoft and Square Enix behind it. Nintendo has to work in house, so to announce 13 games (most of which are releasing within the year mind you) is pretty fucking impressive to me. And one of those games is a Mario and Luigi RPG/Paper Mario Crossover. WHAT MORE DO YOU FUCKING WANT?


Personally, everything Nintendo rolled out looks interesting and above all FUN. Starfox looks great, Mario and Luigi: Paper Jam will be up there with Professor Layton vs Phoenix Wright in “Games where Nintendo clearly read our fan fiction” and Animal Crossing: Happy Home Designer looks interesting and cute. What will really twist my undies is if this whole Animal Crossing: Amiibo Party thing doesn’t release with a FUCK TON of amiibos. Seriously, I’m gonna guess this game is probably 80% reliant on Amiibo support, so if that Animal Crossing line is hard to find, or understocked then the whole Amiibo enterprise will be dead to me. Alternitvley, it that’s a full priced game that relies on Amiibo or cards to play it I will be seriously cheesed. Honestly, those things are already $15 a pop, so four of them plus an $80 game, that’d be a real dick move Nintendo. And the same goes for Yoshi’s Wooly World. If I can’t find one of those plush adorable Amiibos, I will flip shit!

Other than that, everything looked great. New Fire Emblem looks great, Xenoblade Chronicles X looks amazing; the combat from Chronicles is still intact and the world just looks enormous. Triforce Heroes looks cool and it’ll be neat to have Hyrule Warriors on a portable system. It was good to see the Shin Megami Tensei/Fire Emblem thing is still happening albeit very different from the initial release trailer.

Nintendo fanboys(and girls) are a seriously strange breed of creature. I’ve always believed if you truly love something, you’d love and respect it enough to point out its faults, or say when it’s done wrong. But from my experiences on the Miiverse, to this totally ridiculous amount of crying over this Digital Event, it seems like Nintendo fan…people are either totally unwilling to admit that Nintendo can do anything wrong or completely dissatisfied when they don’t get the exact thing they wanted. I for one cannot wait for the following year, to not only get to play the cornucopia of games Nintendo is releasing, but to get to play everything else.

No, what was really bullshit Nintendo was content IDing my “Let’s Super Mario” video. Are you fucking kidding me Nintendo? You ask fans to make videos and put them on youtube, then you content ID those videos? Fuck off.

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