Angry Talks: Samus’ stupid high heels (WARNING: CONTAINS EXTREME LANGUAGE)

Originally published on July 8th, 2014

This shit has gone too far!!!

So, I decided to play Metroid: Other M again. Thinking about how women are often portrayed incorrectly in the games industry made me want to go back and revisit just how bad Other M was. The game is 4 years old, so I won’t go into any extensive review of it, it’s a very ok game. The gameplay is pretty decent, except for the first person moments when your feet get nailed to the floor, and it is a Team Ninja game, so it feels a lot more like a Ninja Gaiden game with Metroid elements, and that’s not a bad thing.

It’s the story that fucking sucks a thousand giant horse dicks. Somehow, despite whatever Mr.Sakamoto or Yosuke Hayashi want to say, Samus is a weak, sniveling little daddy’s girl who can’t do anything unless directed by a man (They even felt it necessary to drop her from her 7-foot frame to a more likeable 5-foot something so all the burly men stand tall over her). This is most egregious when she gets a call from Adam, (who used to be her CO, but he’s not anymore so why she listens to him is beyond me) saying that HE’LL determine when she gets to use her suit powers and weapons depending on the situation.

Immediately after he says this Samus exits a save room into a glass tube showing a harsh, volcanic landscape. Right then and there Samus should’ve said “AWW HELL NAW!” and turned her fucking Varia Suit on. But no, she trudges into a dangerous environment because Daddy didn’t say put on your fire suit.

Even Anthony who’s character can almost be seen as a “big brother,” pisses me off. The way he calls Samus princess, while I’m sure the writers thought it’d be sweet and endearing, it comes off so condescending. This is a woman who originally stood probably 2 feet taller than all these guys and goes around the galaxy breaking the necks of things that would eat their puny ass for breakfast, and you’re calling HER princess. Show some fucking respect you fucking idiot, she’s probably the only reason you’ll get out of this alive.

And Adam is a fucking scumbag, and it raises the question to why Samus even listens to him. I remember actually getting attached to Adam’s character in Metroid Fusion, because Samus portrayed him as a reasonable human being. But in this game, he’s constantly putting Samus in extremely dangerous situations, even at times, pulling back his own troops so Samus can handle whole situations by herself. Now she’s a badass and it’s probably for the best, but what kind of leader brings his men to a situation they can’t handle?! Like, Samus responded to the distress call on her own accord, but these guys are Galactic Federation. It’s their job to sort shit out, so what the fuck would they have done if Samus hadn’t shown up? And what kind of leader says “Hey, you have all these amazing power-ups that make you an unstoppable killing machine, but you can’t use them until I say so, because we wouldn’t want all these men to feel insecure around you. They’re gonna need to rescue you at some point!”

Everything else about the game’s story is fucking stupid as shit. There’s one part where she meets up with Ridley and has a big panic attack upon seeing him. According to Mr.Hayashi, Samus’ encounter with Ridley ” is not a sign of weakness, but of strength. People who call out that scene as anything but empowering are kind of missing the point”

Now I read the manga, and I’ll admit, that initial commercial showing her as a girl when Ridley sacked her planet made me hopeful that they’d use the manga to create a solid story. And I’ll even admit that it could have been a good cutscene showing her buried insecurities and fear of this terrible monster rooted to her childhood.

But here’s where we diverge. This game is a DIRECT SEQUEL to Super Metroid. That means Samus fought Ridley in the manga, then Metroid, Metroid Prime 1, and 3, and Super Metroid. SHE FOUGHT THIS FUCKER 5 TIMES AND NOW SHE’S SUDDENLY AFRAID OF HIM!?

You’re wrong Mr.Hayashi, this makes her look like a sniveling little girl, who needed a big strong man to rescue her, or at least snap her back to reality. Which is stupid because her whole panic attack then getting over it would’ve already happened in the manga. So why it happens again makes no sense.

But this is all really neither here nor there, because what REALLY pissed me off was something I saw upon the death screen when Samus’ suit comes off revealing the zero suit. Something I didn’t notice the first time around.

HEELS!?! HEELS!?! SHE’S WEARING FUCKING HEELS? DO YOU HONESTLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT THIS BADASS SPACE ALIEN BOUNTY HUNTER WHO NOT ONLY EMBODIES COMPASSION AND HEART IN HER SELF APPOINTED QUEST TO SAVE THE GALAXY, GOES AROUND STOMPING ALIEN ASS IN HEELS? GO FUCK YOURSELVES NINTENDO, OR TEAM NINJA OR WHOEVER THE FUCK CAME UP WITH THIS STUPID FUCKING BULLSHIT! AND LOOK!, LOOK!

This image is from Smash Bros Brawl, a game that came out 2 years before Other M. Notice the flat soled, practical combat boots? Ones that look like they’d be practical in a stealth situation, or a situation where Samus might have to out-run danger (see Metroid: Zero Mission’s final moments). Samus is powerful and capable and a top notch fighter yes, but without her suit she’s not able to fight Space Pirates and other giant alien monsters. But I will eat my own hat before I believe that she can do that shit in heels. But now, this bullshit girlification of Samus is becoming a trend. Look at this bullshit from the upcoming Smash Bros WiiU/3DS:

HER HEELS ARE MORE DEFINED THAN EVER! SHE HAS LIKE A PAIR OF FUCKING CHANEL PUMPS, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!? HOW THE FUCK IS SHE SUPPOSED TO FIGHT LIKE THAT, IS SHE A PROSTITUTE? EVEN THAT PART IN HALOID WHEN SAMUS’ SUIT CAME OFF, SHE STILL KEPT HER NORMAL BOOTS!!!

This is honestly getting way out of hand. I don’t know how much more of this I can stomach. Nintendo is doing everything wrong with all their main franchises. Mario hasn’t been different in like 10 years. Skyward Sword was the worst game I’ve ever played and if any subsequent Zelda’s are like that, the series is doomed. And now, they’ve taken Samus Aran, the first and probably best female protagonist in video games and boiled her down from a lone ranger badass, to a generic, stereotypical, 60 year old idea of a girl.

YOU NEED TO DO BETTER GAMES INDUSTRY.

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